


you should take a chance with something greater

by StainedWhite (Precious_Little_Stardust)



Series: can't find a good reason [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hatake Kakashi-centric, I'm so sorry, Kakashi is just super messed up, Lots of it, More tags to be added, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, basically super triggering, mentions of Anorexia Nervosa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:10:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7678558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Precious_Little_Stardust/pseuds/StainedWhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Uchiha massacre - or in which Kakashi is broken and everyone realizes that even having friends can't keep a cracked mind going for much longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Soundtrack: "True Friends" - Bring Me The Horizon
> 
> (( Lots of Angst is no understatement and please refrain from reading if easily triggered. Thanks & just a heads up! ))

He’s always been described as a man of few words – to other’s at least.

Honestly, though?  
Kakashi couldn’t remember a time when his mind wasn’t a fucking waterfall of word-vomit.

It would’ve been comical if he’d counted the times he’d been called out on how inefficient his actions were. How much of a bad influence he was; how he’d been bound to fail all of teammates and the father figures in his life.  
How many times he should’ve died but someone else had taken the killing-blow for him.  
How many of all of the messes in this world were actually his fault.

He’s said to be a calm, laid back kind of guy; one with whom you could have a nice chat about the weather and a deeper discussion about the inner workings of politics in the change of a second - or at the same time.

Intelligent and kind of neurotic, somehow. A charming genius.

He’d never been able to tell the point in which his inner dialogue ended and the outside world started. And it came to no surprise that people suspected something going on – he didn’t quite know if having conversations with himself counted, though. (Sometimes he created shadow clones of himself or his former, dead teammates to have a more visual discussion, you know.)

He never thought of that as neurotic, or crazy, or a reaction to post traumatic stress as they put it. It was just himself, having a nice, depressing talk 24/7. Not too bad, actually. The fact that he’d been a failure all his life and shouldn’t have been born at all came up quite a lot also but, oh well.

It was true after all. His mind just repeated itself sometimes, kind of in a spiral of deadly thoughts – he couldn’t disagree with facts, though, could he?

Kakashi was sure his mind was just as healthy as everyone else’s – or as crazed, really. In fact, all of his fellow ninja-buddies had some kind of dark, mysterious mind-set and he’d never questioned them, after all.

Why they suddenly decided to go to the Hokage of all people, to talk about his “condition” is something akin to betrayal. They basically ratted him out, you know.  
They fucking took away the one thing that kept him sane. It was their fault the old man took away Hound. Took away ANBU.

And not only that, no. They made him go through another of those psych evaluations.

ANBU had been quite overlooked for those mind-evaluations in the past, before the Uchiha-massacre ( _his fault, he should’ve looked closer, should’ve been more of a moral support, should’ve tried talking to him, should’ve been there, should’ve-_ ), but now?  
The Third himself had called Kakashi up on this. Just because Itachi ( _his fault, his fucking fault, all of this, Uchiha-blood on his hands, again-_ ) had pulled a freak, he’d been pulled off the force for now, off of ANBU and into being a normal, average Jonin again.

A Jonin-sensei, to be precise - of all the jobs out there, he really didn’t know why the Hokage wanted him to train tiny, vulnerable _children_. Especially with his track record of losing teammates, you know.

He would’ve laughed in the old man’s face but the Hokage had been so serious, it hadn’t been a joke. Lord Third never joked, not on something like this. ( _Already his fault, his responsibility, they’re gonna die, too. They always do._ )

And this was why Kakashi was late to a Monday morning psych evaluation with Ibiki Morino and some Yamanaka-clan-member. Kami, he wouldn’t be surprised if it were Inoichi himself who’d try to get into his brain. ( _He wasn’t that important, no, no, they wouldn’t get Inoichi for someone as overlooked as him._ )

It was such a shitty thing to do, ratting him out, mind you. It meant giving up Hound, giving up a part of himself he didn’t even know he could be fond of. He was so good at what he did; he was a ferocious killer, a silent assassin, a skilled infiltrator, an emotionless weapon.

He wouldn't ever try to kill the innocent villagers, shinobi or kunnoichi of Konoha Gakure in their sleep. He’d promised to protect all of them, sacrifice himself for their gain, no matter their value.

He would do it in less than a heartbeat.

He was only a tool to be used and he came to terms with a long time ago.

He was born for dying. Born for serving and being the perfect weapon …

Well, that’d went all down the drain when his friends had found him half dead in his own apartment, trying to carve all the ugly blood out of his wrists. ( _useless waste of space, why’d the barge in, why’d they ruin it all._ )

 

So, really, it had been kind of _his_ own fault, he mused.


	2. you die like everybody else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Keep Swinging - Blitz Kids

**Chapter 1 - you die like everybody else.**

 

“You’re late, Hatake”, Ibiki grunted in lieu of a greeting. “As always.”

Kakashi landed next to him and smiled, closing one visible eye at the scarred man in front of him. “Mah, Ibiki, I got lost on the way of-“

“Save it, Hatake, Yamanaka is wating already.” ( _always, always fucking late, wasting everyone’s time. Useless._ )

Kakashi nodded, kind of glad he didn’t have to repeat the old lie that came out way too forced this morning. He’d hate himself for giving away the tension grabbing his frail, cold heart already. And wasn’t that something? He’d never been as afraid of his own possible death as Ibiki Morino writing his next psych-evaluation.

Kakashi knew about T&I, better than any of his comrades, probably. He knew the way to Ibiki’s office, he knew where they should’ve met - but he also knew this was part of a powerplay already, easy psychology. A freaking genjutsu to get him to comply easily.

And it worked on everyone else just fine, usually.

Bring them all the way down to the torture department, let them hear the screaming inmates, take them through 20 minutes of mindless wandering and let them suffer in silence.

He’d done it himself, the genjutsu and the mindless wandering and the confrontation, and - all of them - all of his prisoners, had come in shaking like leafs in the wind.

Just too bad he himself knew every procedure they could’ve possibly included in this farce of a psychological analysis.

 

“You do realize it’s a two minute walk to your office, right?”, Kakashi asked, rather bored. “We both know I’ve been here and done that.”

Ibiki didn’t answer. He didn’t even turn around. Just kept on walking and seemed to ignore him completely.

 

_Rude._

 

“Mah, Ibiki, is this how you treat a colleague? A comrade-in-arms? A dear brother who’s helped you out with some-“

Ibiki grunted something inaudibly but didn’t falter in his steps.

Kakashi sighed, still kind of bored, kind of nervous, kind of frustrated that he had to be here. He knew the other male wouldn’t be of any help in this - but it was kind of fun to try and get a reaction out of the stoic head of interrogation at the same time …

“Why, hello, you might as well tell me why you seem to hate me so much all of a sudden?” he smiled lazily at the other, forming his facial muscles into his trademark half-assed grin with one eye closed – but he couldn’t feel it. Hadn’t been feeling it in quite a while, actually.

 

Quite frankly, he kind of wanted to know why they’d do this to him. Why they’d take him off the force for something crazy like a _psychological breakdown_.

No one had cared about his father or his depression or the fact that he’d fucking killed himself in front of his own son. ( _should’ve helped, should’ve been there, should’ve-_ )

 

Ibiki didn’t turn, didn’t even grunt. “You’re a ticking time bomb is why, Hatake. I could always tell and it comes as no surprise but I thought you’d know better than to try and kill yourself, you know. I thought you’d be smart enough to tell one of your friends, or, at the very least, tell one of your fellow ANBUs.”

 

Kakashi blinked, surprised but not really.

He’d expected as much from Ibiki, always straight forward and all. Even during genjutsu. ( _Still not sharp enough_.)

 

“Yeah, well, suicide missions need to get done, too, you know”, Kakashi answered, trying to sound unfazed and bored but probably failing and giving himself away to any skilled listener. “I’m not supposed to stand here anyway and I tried to be of use for the village. What’s wrong with that?”

He pursed his lips and narrowed his eye at the scarred man. “Why do you even care?”

 

Genjutsu-Ibiki turned at that and those cold, calculating eyes were filled with disgust, making him feel like his soul was stripped naked in front of the both of them. ( _Finally someone sees you for the ugly monster that you are, huh_. _Even if it’s just a stupid genjutsu._ )

“Your suicidal tendencies don’t just include suicide missions and we all know it," Ibiki started to explain, frightingly icy. "And I don’t. Care, that is. I’m supposed to, so I do. But personally, I don’t. No one does. You’re just like your father; a complete failure.” ( _Couldn’t have put it into better words, haha. So right, so right, indeed.)_

 

Kakashi – way too used to hearing that already – smiled again, rather cold as well. He’d never try and deny it; he wouldn’t even know how to properly convince anyone of the contrary. After all, a proper lie could only be told if the teller believed the tale himself.

 

He’d never be able to convince himself of anything but facts, he thought, so there was really only one way to go about this …

 

“What a bummer, then. I’d care if you died, though. And I thought I’ve outlived those White Fang-issues by now”, only slightly fazed by all of this, he lifted one heavy hand and formed the sign to release the genjutsu. “Kai.”

 

He didn’t want to let it show but Ibiki’s words had met their target. It stung, somehow, more than any kunai puncturing his heart.

 

The dark corridor around them disappeared - as did Ibiki’s bulky form.

Inoichi and Kurenai came into focus in front of him and he figured they’d be there anyway. He’d probably arrived at the questioning cell minutes ago. It was still dark around them, the greyish-colored room only brightened by the single light bulb hanging over their heads and above the table between himself and the two other ninja.

He smiled again, closing his eye for the perfect farce. “Mah, guys, you’re really trying to get into my head this time, ne?”, he asked. “Making me see poor Ibiki and all. Did you pick him because he’s so scary and never even tries to buy any of my bullshit?”

 

Kurenai looked away and Inoichi sighed, already wishing he’d never agreed to any of this.

He lifted one questioning eyebrow at them. The Yamanaka-clan-head and a friend of his? It didn’t fit and he knew the old man too well to let it be anything but a coincidence. He’d wanted Kakashi to see a familiar face, acquaintance, maybe even friend, and someone he held at least some respect for.

Kurenai being a genjutsu-expert had come in handy in this case as well.

They’d only tried to study his reactions, study him. And he knew they had found what they were looking for even if _they_ didn’t know it yet.

 

He knew how he looked like once he let go of his masks. Once he let the smile drop; the bored expression gone. His grey eye – the single part of his face outsiders could see of him - lifeless, dead; his entire posture passive, defensive. Defeated.

 

It’s not like he could hide from them now, could he.

 

Closing his eye again, he let go of his body, let himself step back and leave. Detaching himself from reality.

Sometimes, he wondered why he could do this as easily as breathing.

He never wondered quite long enough to figure it all out completely, but he knew, deep down, just what he did.

Looking up at them a few moments later, there wasn't anything left in his eye.

 

Only _Hound_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I don't ever say anything about weekly updates ever again. Because, obviously, that's not gonna work out well for me. /D 
> 
> I didn't finish this fic just yet and I don't think I'm even close to finishing it - whoops - just because it turned out to be much longer than I intended it to be. There's just SO MUCH I WANNA WRITE ALRIGHT, ugh.  
> The struggle.
> 
> Sorry for the wait, guys, I'll try to have the next few chapters figured out sooner rather than later - even though no promises for the next update. ;;  
> (/coughs/ Medschool and moving and stress. /coughs again/)


	3. But a Wolf in Sheep's Clothing --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the super long wait (Uni swallowed me whole and medschool sucks but I'm fine)! Title is from "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" by Set It Off and I'll probably be using this song for the upcoming arc. -- yes, yes, it's an arc now. I didn't plan that. But it happened somehow. (ugh, here I was thinking I could get off easy with only writing a really super long one shot during my darker days and get it all out but then again, I kinda try to write longer fics again ... try being the key word here. ;; 
> 
> See End of Chapter Notes for Warnings.

 The first instinct that came to mind was running. Far away, bringing all the distance in the world between him and ... and someone, who was supposed to seem harmless. 

 

Someone, who had been hurt so many times in their life but cared so much more about the well being of their comrades.  

He never expected to be on the receiving end of Hatake Kakashi's killing intent. He never expected to see the air crackling and whisteling in slow anticipation, with light chakra explosions that might have blinded lesser shinobi in battle before.

There was this faceless man, sitting innocently, for all the world to see, right in front of him. He didn't smile, didn't even look as if he had any emotion left to share. 

If he wouldn't have known better, he could easily imagine why one of Kakashi's ANBU masks resembled a shark. The eye he was looking at was just as barefaced, just as colorless, just as cold and ... bottomless as a hunting shark's eye. There was a pit inside his comrade's soul. A pit so stark, so great, they might have been too late already, too late to save their friend. 

 

Inoichi had never felt more like prey on the run and all his instincts screamed at him, screamed for him to leave this place and Kakashi, or ... what was left of him ..., behind. 

 

He counted to three and shut the voices out. "How are you, Kakashi?" 

 

He had known the kid before ... had seen him grow up under the Yondaime. Hell, he had been up and training genjutsu with the late Team 7 a few times before their fateful mission to Kannabi Bridge. 

 

There was a short bit of silence. Inoichi tried to keep his mind as blank as his face. But he couldn't stop thinking of how much he wanted to get out of here, how much he'd like to run, leave, go home and find shelter in his baby girl's arms and carry her to his wife. 

 

Kakashi cocked his head, almost as if he seemed genuinely curious. Inoichi knew better.  

"I'm well, how about you?"

 

A sigh escaped his chapped lips. Anticipation killing him slowly. But was this all?

"Are you really, Kakashi?" 

 

He had two choices here: try and keep it light, maybe he'll open up - or tell him the truth. 

The latter would be the better choice in the long run, especially given the fact that Kakashi didn't like dishonesty, even if it were just a farce in a grand scheme well beyond both of their commanding grasp of power.

 

There really is not a choice but a tactic. Playing all his cards now? It'd be reckless. Reckless and stupid. 

 

"You know why you're here. We both know it," Inoichi started, trying to sound reasonable. "Everyone is worried about you-" 

 

"Nope," Kakashi popped the end of the word like a surgeon, popping the arteriosclerosis of the communal carotid artery, post-mortem. 

It wasn't the fine tune you'd hear when taking a lollipop out of your mouth. It was a shattering sort of cackling. 

Inoichi thought of dying and fire burning woods for a second before he refocused on Kakashi. It sent shivers down his spine - and wow. How did this guy do it? How could he distract people by sheer tuning of his voice? 

 

He really wasn't cut out for this job, that's for sure.

 

"You only want my skill," Kakashi stated. He didn't sound angry or upset, just a mere statement about the facts of life, that was it. "Gai probably just wants a training partner, so he'd get over me dying eventually. There are tons of shinobi, one of them must be able to train with him for a longer period of time."

 

Ok, what.

 

"I bet you could organise a better squad with Cat as captain and Rabbit as their second-in-command. Any newbie would be safe and sound in their shared meddling, I'm sure."

 

Inoichi still didn't quite follow. He continued to stare mutely at the copy-nin.

 

"And I don't really know what Asuma and Kurenai gain with me, to be honest, except maybe a third party for sexual affairs. But really, they could get literally anyone else if I were to die."

 

Ok. 

 

"So, you're saying in case of your death, you would be interchangeable. Exposable. There's nothing we would loose if you were to die before we plan on it?"

 

He didn't know they would go there so fast but getting a bit out of the chat before he dove into his ... patient's mind ... well. It would be preparation very much needed. 

 

"Yes. You might loose one of your best captains but in the end, there are more like me. I might be strong but I bring nothing to the gene-roaster. Nothing, Konoha would need, anyway. I'm a mere tool to be used and the only thing I can choose outside the line of my work really only is the time of my death." 

 

He smiled at that. It was eerie and cold and there was nothing that suggested even the faintest bit of emotion in the lone eye staring Inoichi down.

 

He didn't know how to answer that. He didn't know how to tell a man, smarter than him for sure, how to deal with crippling depression and he didn't know how to take someone's suicidal thoughts away. Hell, he didn't know how to even deal with the fact that this had become a thing for the kid? 

When had they all just started to ignore the signs? 

People had support-networks for this, didn't they? People had support-networks and coping mechanisms and talked to shrinks? 

When had they all just begun to ignore the boy they had called their most-prized prodigy  once upon a time? 

 

Kakashi just stared at him quietly. 

 

Inoichi took a deep breath. "It's true, how you think, Kakashi. But you are Konoha as well, you're not just a tool ... but without you, Konoha wouldn't be what it is. You belong here and we not only care about you because you are a prized weapon to swing upon our enemies." 

He tried to make eye contact then. He wasn't good at this kind of thing but he had to get his point across, even if it seemed hollow and overused as an argument. It was the truth and the truth alone.

"You're valuable and resourceful and we not only need you, but we also want to have you here, with us. It's important to everyone that we get you back, to help you up when you fall. That's our job, and that's the job of this village. You risk your life for all of us, we'll have your back when it gets hard." 

 

It got silent again. Inoichi held the gaze that met his. 

 

"I understand," Kakashi whispered. "But it doesn't matter. You will go ahead and meddle with my head, Ibiki will try to fix things up, up here." He tapped his head at that, grinning slightly behind his mask. "And two weeks from now I'll find myself assassinating another family that happens to host a missing nin. If it doesn't work, I'll end up like my old man, out cold without any assistance after 30 minutes of agony." 

 

It's strange, to see the white-haired male, boy, really, laugh at that. 

 

"They'll tell me how to fix the flashbacks and I'll try and try until I end up somewhere outside of the Gates again, or in a training field, with a broken leg and sprained wrists." 

 

Another giggle. It's a crazy, mad sound. 

 

Then, a whisper. "It wouldn't be the first time."

 

Inoichi stared numbly at him. 

 

"You'll send my team after me, if they are in the village because you can't afford my sanity or ... lack-there of to be part of konoha's rumor mill. Even if it's an unwritten, well-known fact that I am, quite clinically, insane." A short pause, and it might've been almost thoughtful. "Really, I did expect to get summoned here sooner, to be honest."

 

 

 __________________________________

 

 

 

It’s about as much fun as he thought it would be as he looked at the scene unfolding in front of the one-way mirror. He had seen people break before, obviously. Their shinobi got sent to him after all. He handled them all, let them take the test and saw if they got through. ANBU missed their appointments all the time, didn’t ever get a reschedule and sometimes, he thought, that the high body bag count in those ranks could’ve been less if it weren’t for the ignorance to general mental health.

 

It’s only because of a suicide-gone-wrong that they caught Kakashi – and wasn’t that nice to think about? They would’ve been out of a copy ninja if that fucker would’ve succeeded in killing himself.

 

It wasn’t something Ibiki would’ve admitted out loud to anyone but – for all the respect he owed the kid, he also pitied him very much.

There wasn’t a lot they could or would be able to do for him in this case. Depending on how bad the situation was – obviously beyond very bad – they would send him to the ANBU HQ for 24/7 suicide watch – he would get a roommate for a couple of weeks, they would watch him for a few months after until he was deemed stable enough and he’d be left to his own devices again. Therapy was an option but he doubted Kakashi would take that offer even if they forced him to go.

 

Ibiki sighed quietly. The leaf wouldn’t ever let go of a sharingan – they would use Kakashi until he broke down for good. What Inoichi was saying out there? Trash. Inoichi didn’t work as often for T&I as Kakashi did. Inoichi held that last little shrink of goodness in him, that Kakashi and Ibiki had already lost a long time ago and they both knew it. Inoichi didn’t.

He watched on as Hound continued to rant on. It wasn’t much like him, to rant and say anything at all but he guessed Hound deemed it appropriate to the situation.

He’d seen Hound before, a lot actually. Probably more often than he’d caught sight of Kakashi. It was common, among ANBU, to have another personality to save yourself the pain and memories. Most ANBU had some sort of support system, too, or just people they could unwind with. – Some didn’t have that kind of luxury.

 

There had been an evaluation of Kakashi’s psyche before during his ANBU days – it was actually locked up tight and Ibiki only knew about it because he’d been the one taking it in his first internship days as an T&I agent. It had been strongly suggested Kakashi take on a touchstone or … some sort of After-Mission-Partner he could come and be himself with for awhile.

That hadn't worked out so well when that same touchstone died 3 months after Kakashi did take someone as his partner. With a chidori to the chest no less – it wasn’t like Rin. It was no accident – Kakashi was ordered to kill his touchstone (Anoi, if memory serves right …) by Danzou, to kill a traitor.

Ibiki wouldn't have heard about that, either, if it hadn't been for the fact that he had been there when Kakashi brought in the head with the same emotionless stare he could see across the table now.

 

They should’ve seen this coming a long time before it actually happened. In fact, he would’ve probably seen it coming hadn’t Kakashi put on such a great show with Hound. There was simply nothing that could faze the silver haired male, not much he could show him to get more than a nod or a slightly half-lifted eyebrow up.

 

He just put on this show of perfect weapon – and he was, he had been, would forever be until he finally completely lost it – and everyone thought he had lost all of his humanity along the way.

 

They hadn't seen the simple fact that this kid didn't only loose his last bit of humanity, he also lost that last strained grasp of sanity, too. It was as clear as day now but only because Kakashi _let_ _them see it_.

 

Loosing him, though, would mean a dent in Konoha’s strength. The leaf couldn’t afford it, no less Fire Country. It would be noticed by enemy nin and there would be questions, too many of whom would end up on his desk. “Copy-nin finally gone bonkers?” would be probably one of the many headlines and it would become public knowledge that the village didn’t take proper care of it’s more prominent shinobi.

 

The thing was … they simply could not. Taking him out of commission for his recovery? Maybe Kakashi would never even make a full recovery, never come back, never be cleared for duty. Even though Jonin do have their fair share of strange, Kakashi simply didn’t do things quite the way other people did and overstranged himself probably ages ago. As a Genin. At fucking 5 years old.

 

Ibiki understood war, he really did. Although, sometimes, he couldn’t understand how someone can send out a 5-year-old and expect to get them back in one piece?

 

There was that same 5-year-old kid just one room away from him now, almost 20 years later. And it really, really, really didn’t look so good.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- just your usual level of angst before it gets to the bad part  
> \- talks about depression and suicidial thoughts 
> 
> (I really hope you liked it and are in for more of that angst before it might get better. ;; I hope it will get better, for my own sake. /coughs) 
> 
> oh, and here's my **[tumblr](http://knightinshiningarmour-stilinski.tumblr.com/)** :)


End file.
